Grieving By the Book

There is a wealth of information these days that is helpful when we are going through the grief process - but today's message has a very specific focus on looking at the biblical perspective on grief - some of the important passages in Scripture that help us approach grief from the point of view of faith. Some of the passages have perspectives that may seem to almost contradict each other - but they help us see the whole picture.


PROVERBS 17:22 (nlt). A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength.


There is great power in a cheerful heart - but beware a phony, shallow cheeriness that is no help to anyone:


PROVERBS 25:20 (nlt). Singing cheerful songs to a person with a heavy heart is like taking someone’s coat in cold weather or pouring vinegar in a wound.


Dr. Kenneth Haugk has devoted his life to Christian caring ministries, but went through his own time of need during his wife's struggle with cancer. Out of his experience, he wrote a book - whose title is based on this proverb - "Don't Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart: How to Relate to Those Who Are Suffering."

At this website you can find some excerpts from Dr. Haugk's book, as well as find information about ordering a copy.

Proverbs 25:20 also reminds us that we must beware of platitudes when caring for someone who is grieving. Most "platitudes" contain an element of truth, but because they are shallow, they wind up being of very little help. Here are some examples of these platitudes that may feel like vinegar in a wound:

• I know just how you feel.
• God plucked this rosebud for his heavenly bouquet.
• God only takes the best.
• God doesn't give us more pain than we can bear.
• Every cloud has a silver lining.
• Only the good die young.
• It must be God's will.
• We shouldn't question God.
• You're young...you can have more children.

The Bible also offers surprising insight into the positive power of sorrow and sadness:


ECCLESIASTES 7:3 (nlt). Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us.


ECCLESIASTES 7:4 (nlt). A wise person thinks a lot about death, while a fool thinks only about having a good time.


Jesus' own example is also helpful to us:


JOHN 11:35 (kjv). Jesus wept.


This "shortest verse in the Bible" is actually quite profound. Before raising Lazarus from the dead, Jesus shared with Mary and Martha in grieving their loss. Notice he did not say "cheer up." Jesus simply wept. He shared their grief. This is actually a fulfillment of prophecy:


ISAIAH 53:3-4 (kjv). He is…a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief. Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows.


One of the most important Bible passages on grief comes from Paul's writing to the Thessalonians:


1 THESSALONIANS 4:13 (nrsv). We do not want you to be uninformed…about those who have died, so that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.


There are two important messages. First, our belief in eternal life should never be ignored. Second, it is clear that Christian believers are not being told to avoid grief. Instead, they are being told that they should not grieve in a hopeless way. Our hope of eternal life helps us avoid empty, purposeless grief.

J. Hampton Keathley, III offers these words that are helpful in understanding this passage:

Paul's first objective "was to remove their ignorance through giving biblical insight." This would accomplish the second objective, the giving of hope, a hope based on the resurrection of Christ. The third objective is that this hope would then give comfort. The Apostle does not deny that we may grieve over the loss of loved ones, but that is not the point here. We do not sorrow for our loved ones in Christ who die as those who venture into an unknown world. Such sorrow is precluded entirely. We miss them and we may sorrow over our loss, but never over their loss. Rather, we rejoice for them because they are with the Lord.

The Bible also gives us guidance on helping others who are grieving:


2 CORINTHIANS 1:3-4 (The Message). He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us.


In other words - what God does for us - we can also do for others!

Here are some specific pointers on how to do that:

• Just be present, and be accepting.
• When someone is in shock, don't challenge statements of denial - denial is a normal thing in the early stages of grief.
• Focus on listening.
• It is acceptable to express your own grief (remember "Jesus wept").
• Help folks to make appropriate decisions (don't do everything for them) but help them avoid rash decisions that they might regret.
• Be available over the long haul.
• Be sensitive during special dates like birthdays, wedding anniversaries, holidays, anniversaries of a loss.
• Provide a safe space in which to express emotions.
• Offer resources from our faith.

ISAIAH 61:1 (kjv). The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me…he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted.


Jesus' work as the Suffering Servant was the fulfillment of this prophecy. Since we are the Body of Christ, we also have the privilege of helping fulfill this prophecy - the Spirit of God working through us to help us to bind up the brokenhearted!


See also this resource - "Deeper Still: Hope For Those Who Grieve."